[GCFL.net] Contact Lens

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From: "The Good, Clean Funnies List" <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Sent: Friday, October 31, 2008 2:00:03 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] Contact Lens

Contact Lens

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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New Retirement Plan

New Retirement Plan*

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
(alternately, this would also work with your favorite soft drink as well)
*Only works in states with a can deposit refund program.

The funniest baby belly laugh

Can ye hear me now?

Original text...

Can you hear me now?

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Translated via http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl
A sea dog says 't this way:
Can ye hear me now?
A young businessman had jus' started his own firm. He had jus' rented a beautiful office an' had 't furnished wi' antiques.

He saw a man come into th' outer office. Wishin' t' appear th' hot shot, th' businessman picked up th' phone an' started t' make like he had a big deal workin'. He threw huge figures around an' made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up an' asked th' visitor, "Can I help ye?"
"Aye, I`ve come t' activate yer phone lines."

[GCFL.net] Self Esteem

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Date: Thu, Sep 18, 2008 at 2:00 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] Self Esteem

Self Esteem

I guess this story centers on self esteem. What builds one person's sense of self worth may mean nothing to another. For example, I am male. Getting my hair done or buying a cute new pair of shoes is a complete zero. Nada. Nothing. But having a fast car? Ha! That is pure testosterone!

Now, I have been driving around in an old beat-up pickup truck that I bought new about the end of the Crimean War. The radio doesn't work, but it doesn't need to. I couldn't hear it above the rattles. Sometimes I drive my wife's car. It's a recent model family sedan. Read that: boring. But I have had an old VW Vanagon in the driveway for several years that needed a new engine. Last month I got it fixed, and now that is what I drive.

Compared to the truck, this van is hot stuff. It's 5,200 pounds being pushed around by a 90-horsepower four-banger, but everything in life is relative. Finally, I'm out looking for trouble. Wanna race?

There is no point in challenging the Rice Rockets. Those guys don't play golf. They don't know the concept of handicap. Besides, it has been years since I've seen the front end of a Honda Civic. No, I was after bigger fish.

Like UPS trucks.

Sure enough, I found myself sitting at a stop light next to Big Brown. I gunned the engine. He was game. Then the light turned.

The race was on! I had him off the line, but he was gaining on me. The VW was screaming through the gears as we were hurtling down the road. Neck and neck! What a race! It was an adrenaline rush like no other.

Just as he was about to pull ahead, the UPS driver chickened out. We had hit 40 miles per hour in less than a mile and he didn't have the guts for it. Me and my van had beat somebody! I'm feeling so charged! This is great! I have to do this again. So, who's next?

I'm thinking the city bus.

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CihaClan

My wife has caved to the pressure of her peers and has created a family blog for our family.
Her introductory email to me to this new site contained the Subject line that is the title of this post with the following message:
"http://www.cihaclan.blogspot.com/

now what?
hehehe"

She does wax poetic, eh? :-)

The Dead Church

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Can you hear me now?

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[GCFL.net] Biblical Headlines

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From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Date: Fri, Sep 12, 2008 at 2:00 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] Biblical Headlines

Biblical Headlines

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

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[weekly-digest] ReverendFun.com Sep 8, 2008 to Sep 12, 2008

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From: Reverend Fun <webmaster@reverendfun.com>
Date: Fri, Sep 12, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Subject: [weekly-digest] ReverendFun.com Sep 8, 2008 to Sep 12, 2008

ReverendFun.com cartoon archive from Monday, September 8, 2008 to Friday, September 12, 2008

Visit these, and other, cartoons online to rate them, share them with friends, download them, and more.

Sep 8, 2008 SAMSON DOES SOME DAMAGE CONTROL

Sep 12, 2008 I HAVE NO LEGS OR ARMS, MAN ... I CAN'T EVEN PICK UP MY FORK ... SORRY DUDE, BUT I'M OUTTA HERE

The content in this email is ©Copyright Gospel Communications International, Inc.

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Reverend Fun, P.O. Box 455 Muskegon, MI 49443-0455

[GCFL.net] Share and Share Alike

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From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Date: Wed, Aug 27, 2008 at 2:00 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] Share and Share Alike

Share and Share Alike

An elderly couple walks into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries, and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip, and then he sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine -- they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers, "THE TEETH."

Received from Thabile Rampa.

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[GCFL.net] The Wayside Chapel

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From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Date: Wed, Sep 10, 2008 at 2:00 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] The Wayside Chapel

The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,

The Schoolmaster

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[GCFL.net] Car Warning

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From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Date: Tue, Sep 9, 2008 at 2:00 AM
Subject: [GCFL.net] Car Warning

Car Warning

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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10 Signs that you are a Coffee-Addict

10. You jog 20 miles on your treadmill before realizing it's not turned on.

9. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

8. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".

7. You can type 60 words per minute. . . with your feet!

6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

5. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

4. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

3. You don't sweat, you percolate.

2. All your kids are named "Joe".

The #1 Sign you are a Coffee-Addict:

1. You answer the door before people knock.